You laugh like you’ve never been lonely

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. I’ve also had premenstrual cramps for over a week, maybe that unbearable pain had something to do with it. I’ve just been very imbalanced. I should also mention that I finally began to workout again. I’m scared I might injure myself again cause I always push myself too hard once I start. Staying motivated is the tough part.

So I’ve been having anxiety issues, due to this stupid application process to universities here in Germany. My depression has gotten a bit better; distracting myself with tv shows helps. I’m feeling super emotional right now…. it must be the stupid menstrual cycle that has been inflicted upon this so-called ‘gentler sex’ *scoffs* If we were the gentler sex, we wouldn’t be able to withstand the horrible pain of cramps every month… Am I right, ladies?

I’m sitting on my bed currently (currently being 2:10 AM) in the dark, trying to type quietly since my friend is sleeping about a meter away from where I’m sitting. At least I have some music to keep me company. I’ve been avoiding moments like these, mostly through TV show binges, because I know that if I give in and think about my life and things in/out of it, I can just spiral out of control.

I was listening to this song again, after not having heard it for a while… and this song just gives me such an emotional response, I thought I’d share.

And you laugh like you’ve never been lonely
That’s alright honey
That’s alright with me
Oh you laugh like there’s hope in the story
That’s alright honey
That’s alright with me
Oh you laugh like I’ll be there to hold you always
Always here
Always honey, always here

And you love like you’ve always been lonely
That’s alright honey
That’s alright with me
Oh you love him with all of your body
That’s alright honey
That’s alright with me
Oh you love him like he’ll be there for always
Always honey yeah, always near

I think people who battle mental illness have become remarkable actors in their daily lives. Howard just took that person who felt like no one saw them, or their pain, or their misery, and made them feel seen. Made them feel like their issues were valid and that he would be there… even if it was just to silently accept. That resonates with me more than words could possibly say. This depression and anxiety have eaten me up, and not one person realized that I was dying internally, because that’s part of the deal, the game… How you play – show them you’re at the top of your game working super hard, staying super motivated…. Don’t crack now. You master the art of learning to hide it, behind smiles and laughter and silly actions that distract from the real issues. You’re at the top of your game if you know how to hide it this well. I think that’s a talent.

Nights are always the hardest; unless you’re constantly distracting yourself, it’s as if you just fall into a dark pit. The plot lines of fictional characters that move across my laptop screen with such precision and perfection are my distraction. At this point it’s hard to discern what is real and what isn’t. I need to stop but I can’t, because life. is. to. much. That’s it, simply put. I have to tackle my issues head on, but instead I run.

Those fleeting heart beats stop in their tracks, the hot tears well up starting from the bottom of my throat. The geyser builds up consuming energy, building pressure. Tears claw their way through suppression. Push the fucking tears down! ARE YOU A CHILD?! They tumble over one another, out of the ducts in your eyes – streaming. your lashes hold on to them, trying to pull them back. Emotional convicts on the loose. You give in, and you realize you no longer have power over yourself.