I should really blog more….
I don’t really consider myself a proper writer, as much as I wish I could, I just feel I completely lack the skill to put my emotions into words. I think that I struggle sometimes with that. You know that feeling when you really want to be good at something so badly that it hurts all the more when you realize you just aren’t that good at that thing? That is me with writing –with a lot of other skills too, but writing is at the top of that list. Self-doubt and self-hate are two states of mind that I’m really trying to conquer this year.
If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
~Vincent Van Gogh
It’s extremely difficult to tell oneself that one can do anything with a little willpower and determination, but it has to be on repeat, on loop until one believes it. What’s been on loop for the past 4 years was ‘you CANNOT do this, never, you aren’t good enough, strong enough, smart enough, kind enough, patient enough. Give the fuck up.’
NO. no no no no.
I need to fight this voice. Do the things the voice says I can’t do and SILENCE IT.
I’m in love with a boy and terrified of the future, and the voice keeps saying: this won’t work out, you don’t know how to love someone. You can’t beat distance, you can’t even love yourself how are you supposed to love someone else?
As RuPaul says,
True words from a true Queen
I’m working towards it. My first goal:
STOP WITH THE SELF DEPRECATING, SELF LOATHING COMMENTS!
The less I externalise it, and put it into the universe, the less I will internalise it, right? That’s what I’m hoping will happen.
On a happier note, I’ve been so elated, walking on air for a few days now. Ignoring my frustration about getting into university or money problems, I’ve been happy. Happy because of him. I don’t like to rely on others to make me happy, but he makes me so happy. I like writing that word since I rarely get to write it down. We aren’t in the same place, country, time zone, but it doesn’t matter. And I’m always so apprehensive of that distance and difference, but I’m trying to be happy. To do what makes me happy. My best friend and I were talking about it. I asked her what she thought of my decision. She told me ‘It’s okay to be reckless. If it makes you happy who cares if you’re being reckless?’ That was all I needed to hear.
I still need to write all the letters to the people I want to thank for helping me and being there for me when I needed them. I told myself I would, and I will. I just have to stick to that plan. It’s hard finding the words though, but I’ll try my best.